Thu, 03 Aug 2006 16:41:30 GMT

it's been such a long time since i've used my livejournal. i'm kind of blank on as what to write. actually, to be honest i didn't even want to write, but i have so many things on my mind and have very little people to share them with. that's a lie, i have people to vent to, but i choose not to because if there's one thing i hate the most it's feeling helpless in the situations i get myself into. i thought about getting a new livejournal, but the purpose was pointless so i decided not to. i also deleted all of my previous entries because looking back on all of them brought me down. i'm still debating whether or not to write how i feel...

summer has been amazing, really really amazing. for a while i didn't want it to end, but now i'm ready. i'm ready to move on, to begin a new chapter of my life. i've had a lot of time to think about things and discover who i am and i'm confident that this year is going to be so much better than the last. i've learned that the majority of people i meet will not be reliable and trustworthy so there is really no need to try to impress certain individuals anymore. for the past year i've whined and complained about going 'home' when i was actually already home. texas is my home now and i feel so terrible that i didn't even care about the family there that loves me so much.

i hate change and everything is changing and a huge change is fixing to occur and i have no idea how i will handle it. i don't know how i will react, feel, or manage. i'm anxious, extremely anxious, overwhelmingly anxious and i don't want this certain change to throw me off; to really knock me off my feet that i have to start all over again. i'm scared that things wont be what i think they will be and everything will fuck up again. i'm trying my hardest to teach myself to just accept that this event will occur no matter what...but i hate change. and i always end up asking myself the same question "well what if he gets better?" will he get better? i mean why do we even do the things we do? he wont get better, i just hate leaving my mom and she doesn't even care he does it anymore. you know he didn't even come home friday night and now he's done something really awful and i wish i could tell someone, but my mom said i can't tell anyone and i think she's right because it's too serious. too awful. he's almost 40 and i swear to myself sometimes he's 16. but i love him

anyway, to sum up how i feel, i'm excited, but also nervous. i guess that's natural for the most of us though.

melissa